How many times have you scrolled down a SoMe platform where you have a profile and thought: “Why on earth do I need this?!”? If it has happened at least once, here is our brief SoMe survival guide. Grab something cold from a fridge, take a break from work and let’s get started.

Facebook

You log in here only and exclusively when you are extremely bored, for instance while waiting in line at a bank or an MD’s office. OK, perhaps this with an MD is not the best idea, because while scrolling down Facebook, you will definitely come across at least one status or shared post about coronavirus, vaccines and similar hot issues, making your blood pressure surge. Basically, Facebook serves to remind you about birthdays and if you stick to that, you will most probably not get too annoyed with all those colourfully painted Easter eggs, photos from the Uvac or Tara river, all kinds of activism and the start of school for first graders.

Instagram

Instagram is a bit more serious opiate because the moment you log in, your head starts spinning with a multitude of images. Avoid it before the gloomy autumn comes, because absolutely everyone went on a holiday and it is likely that all those photos from the seaside will be frustrating for you. Images of bathing suits and hats are coupled with those of cocktails, all kinds of cakes and moms with babies, toddlers, pre-school and school children, whose parental advice will make you go crazy. If Instagram doesn’t persuade you that you’ve failed as a parent, no one will! The good news is that life coaches are taking a break, as coronavirus has caught them off guard and clearly not at a high vibration level, so at least you won’t be bombarded with that type of content. However, coronavirus has forced people to find other points of interest, discover Serbia (?!) and tirelessly move from lavender fields to sunflower ones to vineyards every weekend. Assume responsibility if you watch stories because you’ll find at least 30 pieces of how to properly wrap pancakes and bake bread! Your images and stories will go unnoticed unless you have a really good story to tell, preferably with a strong emotional touch to it, otherwise no one cares about what you write.

LinkedIn

You visit this platform only when looking for a job, so there are no specific rules for survival. Actually, if you don’t want to feel like a complete failure, forget about LinkedIn. An extra tip for women: Don’t post photos where you look beautiful, otherwise you’ll realise that LinkedIn is a new Tinder.

TikTok

You logged in here by accident, right? All you need to recover from the content on this platform, which definitely targets those under 18, is to simply de-install the app. Voila! You’ll get more space for photos, but only in case Instagram has not affected your confidence to the extent that you’ve stopped taking selfies. It’s true that many older than 30 do not understand TikTok at all, so face the fact that the world is left to the young.

Twitter

First you take a tranquiliser and then start scrolling down Twitter, otherwise you’re at risk of having your brain explode from the volume of stuff you can read there. This is the platform for those who want to argue, so if you’re not ready for a virtual verbal fight, that arena is not for you. You can be a peeping Tom, but it is very likely that you’ll get irritated just by reading those know-it-all posts and break you phone, and you don’t want that expense. So, you are ready for Twitter only if you very witty, if you know it all and if you like to argue. Oh, and if you are a mammy! Moms have somehow got on this and made a serious lobby, so you may accidentally get involved into crossfire between breast-feeding and formula. Holidays are here suitably marked as well, with inevitable arguments for every St. Trifun’s or Valentine’s Day, March 08 and May 01. If nothing is right up your street, don’t worry, you can always visit the account of your bank, a brand that has somehow survived on this platform or a telecoms company, then complain about prices or services, and you’ll instantly get support of a myriad of those who agree with you. If a joint Twitter drama does not bring a closure you expect, you were angry in vain.

Word of wisdom: If you want a long and happy life, the best thing is not to have SoMe apps installed at all😉 For all those who realised this in a hard way, there is something called digital detox. Learn more about that on profiles of SoMe influencers and good luck!